Grief
by Dlbn
Summary: The tale of Ritsuka's grief after Soubi's abrupt departure from his life, as told by Dr. Katsuko.


Disclaimer: I do NOT own Loveless or anyone/anything in it. It all belongs to Yun Kouga. I make NO money off of writing this work of fiction.

Dedication: This fic is dedicated to all my friends, both off the internet and on it, who have been there through thick and thin and are here for me through this difficult time in my life. I love you all and couldn't imagine my life without you. 3

000

In the days following Soubi's abrupt departure from Ritsuka's life in order to fight alongside Seimei, his allegedly deceased elder brother, the young neko tried to get back into his typical, daily routine to stave off the crippling emotions that were over taking him. Determined to not go into shock and lose his memories for a second time, he fought to not only keep his sanity intact, but to keep up the new life that he had so grown accustomed to. This is the clinical case file of an eared and tailed twelve year old, sixth grade patient of the Omori Clinic. A boy who, while recovering from his memory loss and personality change two years prior, was forced into a cacophony of new emotions that even a straight-A student like him couldn't possibly comprehend.

000

1a. DENIAL

It had been two weeks since Soubi betrayed him. Two weeks since Soubi walked off with Seimei, his allegedly deceased older brother, and left him all alone. But that didn't mean anything. Soubi was going to come back. He said that he loved Ritsuka and would do anything for him. He would love, protect, fight, kill…even _die_ for him. There was no way that he'd just _abandon_ him. Even if it _was_ Seimei who had ordered him to leave. But Seimei had ordered him to go to Ritsuka in the first place. So why would Seimei come back and steal away the one person in the world that would stay at his dear little brother's side and love and protect him front he evils of the world-including his own mother-forever, and leave him vulnerable to other units, his mother, school bullies, and anyone else that wanted to do him harm? It made no sense. Therefore, Seimei _had_ to be intending on bringing Soubi back…right?

1b. ISOLATION

For the first two weeks that Soubi was gone, school wasn't exactly a common thing for the little neko. Instead of going to school to deal with bullies, a crying Yuiko, a half-panicked Yayoi, squabbling Yoji and Natsuo, shaky Shinonome-sensei, boring and disruptive classmates, and boring studies that almost put him to sleep, he stayed home, locked in his room, in a fetal position on his bed. He would pull his legs close him and sob quietly into pajama covered kneecaps. His small back would lurch with silent sobs that had no sound but held the force of the pent up anger of a two year old who didn't want to go down for a nap. He'd tell himself over and over that it was only temporary, or that he was dreaming, and check his cell phone for new messages from the blonde fighter; only to be sourly disappointed and thrown into more despair at the thought that Soubi wasn't even trying to contact him. It wasn't until the third week that he began to come out of his room to join the rest of the world.

1c. NUMBNESS

The third week after Soubi left brought Ritsuka into the final pits of the first stage of grief. Something hit him at the end of the second week-or perhaps the beginning or middle of the third-and brought him to the point where seeing photos of Soubi or remembering the blonde that he loved so much no longer brought him to tears and sobbing. When he saw photos of the blonde or thought about him, he didn't feel anything. No love or joy, no anger or hurt, no pain or sorrow…just nothing. He began going back to school that week, telling people he had caught a nasty stomach bug while on a trip with his family. He didn't even blink when school ended the first day he returned and Yuiko asked him why Soubi wasn't waiting for him at the front gate.

2. ANGER

Somewhere within that deep, profound numbness that plagued the heart, body, mind, and soul of young Ritsuka, there came the next stage of grief exactly one month after Soubi vanished. Fed up with Yuiko's questions about where the blonde was, he finally snapped at her. Told her to mind her own business and to leave him alone. Yayoi had been less then receptive of his attitude and almost got into a fight with him, but Ritsuka's pacifistic nature prevented it. the anger that he felt almost took complete control of him the day his Sensei told him that Soubi may never come back, because he didn't seem like the kind of person to get too attached to a place or the people in it. Instead of snapping at her like he wanted to, he pretended he understood. That day, he began to make use of the school's weight room. The heavy bag that hung from the ceiling for the students to beat up to test their strength for city-wide testing became his new best friend, and his worst enemy. Every day he would go after school to vent out his anger and frustrations at the world.

How dare Sensei say Soubi wasn't coming back? How dare Yayoi and Yuiko pester him every day about Soubi? How dare Septimal Moon have the gall to still ask him for _help_ when they knew he was alone and couldn't defend himself in a fight? How dare Soubi break every one of his promises and leave Ritsuka alone to rot? How dare Seimei fake his death, leave his brother alone, come back into his life at a moment's notice (only to leave it again a few minutes later when Soubi dared to defy him on Ritsuka's behalf), only to come back again and take _his_ Soubi with him? How dare his mother beat on him and his father never come home, or come home just to witness the abuse and ignore it? And worst of all, how dare _he_ exist?! He wasn't mother's Ritsuka, and therefore he had to be punished. How dare he pretend to be someone he wasn't? How dare he, how dare he? Why did bad things _always_ happen to him? It wasn't fair, damn it! He was a pacifist. He'd never hurt a fly, let alone another person, and yet everyone just used him, used him from what he had, only to toss him aside like he was nothing and leave him alone and helpless? Why did this have to happen to _him_, damn it? It wasn't fair! The Zero boys, Yoji and Natsuo, said that there was really no such thing as 'fair'. Perhaps they were right…but couldn't the universe pick a more suitable target? Like serial killers and rapists. Like traitors and thieves and cold, calculating scum of the earth. Why didn't people like _that_ get punished? Why did a twelve year old boy have to suffer so much while his hated brother got everything he wanted and more? Why couldn't the universe punish Seimei and his equally deranged fighter, instead? They were the _real _problems here, and yet they played the victims. It wasn't fair damn it!

Ritsuka hadn't noticed how angered he had gotten until he heard the bag fall to the floor.

3. BARGAINING

Maybe there was a way to reverse this. Maybe if Ritsuka visited the shrine every day and light a candle for Soubi and prayed for his return, that would bring him back. Maybe if he was his old self, he could get Soubi back. Yeah, that was it. That had to be it. He could trade _his_ miserable excuse for a life to bring back Soubi, so that he could be there for the _real_ Ritsuka. The Ritsuka that deserved to exist and was replaced by this angry, numb, flawed individual who dared share the same name and face as his predecessor, but yet was so unlike him that it was impossible to think that they were one and the same. He'd gladly give up this life to bring back Soubi for the real Ritsuka to get to know and love the same way he had. It took another month after the numbness set in for Ritsuka to stop praying for Soubi's return, but to beg god to take him instead.

4. DEPRESSION

It just wasn't fair…maybe if he had been a better master, maybe if he had trained him better, Soubi would have obeyed Ritsuka's order to stay with him instead of Seimei's order to leave with him. That had to be it. Soubi knew that Ritsuka could never be like Seimei, that he wasn't a good Sacrifice, and that was why he left. If only he hadn't been so naïve and innocent. I only he knew more about the world of fighting and what it actually meant to be a Sacrifice, then maybe Soubi wouldn't have left. It was all _his_ fault. Not Seimei's, not Soubi's, not God's. It was Ritsuka's fault. Everything that happened could have been prevented if he _just didn't exist_. That's the only reason it made sense. Unable to talk to anyone about it-not even his trusted therapist-Ritsuka's well-being began to deteriorate. He kept his sorrow and grief to himself and bottled it up so much so it would explode one day and destroy him from the inside out. But that was what he deserved. He had no desire to do anything anymore. He didn't want to eat or drink or talk or play. He'd socialize with his classmates and continue going to school, and though his monotone voice soon grew weary on his friends' ears, they'd stick by him no matter how much of a depressed, miserable ass he was being on any particular day or days. He spent most of his class catching up on the sleep that a bought of insomnia had begun to take away from him. He couldn't sleep at home, but he could sleep at school. After the fourth letter home from the Principal and student teacher that Shinonome-sensei had been assigned for an internship program, his mother's beatings started to get worse. They were longer, full of more fury. _Her_ Ritsuka would never sleep in class. _Her_ Ritsuka would go to sleep at a reasonable hour, or just _any_ hour, instead of staying up all day and night. _Her_ Ritsuka wouldn't pull all nighters for no reason other then the fact that he could. _Her_ Ritsuka was so much better and she wanted him back _now_. But no matter how hard he wished it, it wasn't the case. Both he and Misaki Aoyagi knew perfectly well that the Ritsuka that he used to be could and would never be again. The thought sent Ritsuka further into his depression. He felt no need to eat (which got him more beatings because _her _Ritsuka would never refuse a meal). The lack of food and lack of sleep began to take its toll on the boy. He'd often awaken in class to tears streaming down his face. He'd often sit in his little fetal position from the first two weeks after Soubi's departure, and cry into his knees. Why was this happening to him? Why, why, why? Thinking he had no way out, he began writing letters to friends and other trusted adults that wouldn't just throw them away when they first got them; telling them what each of them meant to him, and what he was going to give them (Yayoi would get his games, Yuiko would get his books, his camera and computer went to Yoji and Natsuo, his clothes went to whomever wanted them, his album went to Katsuko-sensei so she'd finally know the truth about who he was; the person he hid form even her). He'd write what he wanted to happen when he died-though 'Seimei' was cremated, although one couldn't help but being reduced to ashes when set on fire in a sixth grade classroom-he wanted a closed casket. Maybe open if his death didn't come in some gruesome form that would be too much for Yuiko and Shinonome-sensei to bear. He wrote what flowers he wanted and what music he wanted. He wrote where he wanted to be buried (in the local park, near the bench where he and Soubi shared their first kiss). Knowing that no one could ever understand his pain, he didn't tell anyone. They couldn't understand so he didn't need to bother bringing it up. That just didn't make sense. It was a waste of time. Only Yoji and Natsuo knew of the fighting world and what he was-the Sacrifice to the Loveless pair-but no one else could have ever imagined the bond that he and Soubi had begun to form, what they would have had in the end; if Soubi hadn't left or had managed to come back at all. But to even Yoji and Natsuo knew the feeling of having the one person you loved in the world, more then even yourself for the actual world, vanish with someone else; without leaving a clue or even a hint of a trace to where they were going or when/if they would ever come back. He and Soubi had a special bond that even Fighter-Sacrifice bonds couldn't reach. And because of that, he was truly alone in the world.

With those thoughts dancing in his head, it was no wonder he couldn't fall asleep anymore.

5. ACCEPTANCE

One year. It took one full year for Aoyagi Ritsuka to reach acceptance. His Soubi was gone and most likely wasn't coming back (was he even alive?) He understood why Soubi left. Seimei _was_ his original master and still had dominion over him. Therefore, the blonde hadn't stood a chance when Seimei told him to shut his mouth and follow him to the ends of earth and back. It didn't mean that he was okay with it. No, not by a long shot. The thirteen year old hated that things had to happen the way that they did. It was unnecessary and uncalled for. But he did come to accept it. Soubi was gone for who knew how long. When and if he came back, great. If he didn't ever come back, Ritsuka would be sad, but he could still learn to live without him. After all, he made it a year. What was a few more days? (Or weeks, months, years?) He survived this long on his own, without Soubi there at his side to support and protect him, so he could surely last a bit longer. And who knew? Maybe one day Soubi _would_ come back into his life. Whether it was soon or in the future. Would things still be the same between them? Would Soubi still kiss him and declare his love for the neko for no reason other then the fact that he could? Would he still make passes at Ritsuka that the boy pushed away with a blush on his face, even though he secretly _liked_ when Soubi looked at him that way and held him and spoke to him as though he were a fragile adult, not a fragile child?

One day Soubi would come back. Maybe not now, maybe not for a long time. But Ritsuka would prove to the world that he could hold his own and have his own place in the world. Then he could bring Soubi into the equation.

000

It took Aoyagi Ritsuka exactly one year to reach the final stage of grief and finally come to peace with himself. It wasn't his fault, and it wasn't God's or Soubi's or even Seimei's. He may have hit rough patches, but he managed to pull himself through them. It wasn't until a year after he reached his acceptance that Soubi came back into his life. Would things be the same between them? No one can say for sure. A lot has changed in the two years that they were forced apart by Seimei's cold, calculating hand. A lot has happened and a lot can still happen. Will there be a day when Seimei comes back to reclaim both Soubi _and_ Ritsuka as pawns in whatever scheme he spent the last five years putting together?

Anything is possible.


End file.
